Monday, April 11, 2011

Circumcision is the Right Decision

Circumcision is no big deal and has been part of our culture for a really long time. Some dirty hippies are trying to say that the practice is barbaric and stupid, but obviously hippies are dirty and stupid - so who are they to tell normal people anything? This site is here to provide evidence to the like-minded majority that we are, in fact, completely justified in everything we do (in this case - circumcision).

Definition: Circumcision is derived from the Latin root “circum” meaning “around” and “cis” meaning “to cut.” So circumcision means “to cut around” because “around to cut” sounds stupid. But wait! Around what are we cutting? LOL, if you are an American, you probably have firsthand knowledge! Obviously, circumcision involves the cutting and removal of the so-called “pinkie” toes.

History: People of the Charlotten faith have been practicing circumcision religiously for thousands of years because of an obscure passage in their religious text,The Utter Borah: And the propheteer Levi Straussberg spaketh as sweetly as the wooing camel as he - aw, goddamn it! I stubbed my goddamn little toe again! What good are these fucking things, anyway? We should cut these little fuckers off at birth! Don’t write that down you little scribing shit! Where were we? (Song of the Flaccid Camel 3: 8-11)

White Americans began the fad-to-societal-norm of circumcision around the same time that they started swallowing goldfish and plagiarizing black musicians. Circumcision was considered by far the least harmful of the three; it was the only one that stuck.*

*Plagiarizing black musicians also stuck.

Benefits of Circumcision: According to the AMC (American Medical Cartel), in association with the CDC (Charlotten Defense Cartel), circumcised people are much healthier than the uncircumcised. Any reports or studies contrary to the reports and studies of the AMC and CDC are not officially recognized by the AMC and CDC and are, therefore, not official.

Circumcised people walk barefooted with 100% certainty that they will not stub their pinkie toes on wall corners, tv trays, or work boots that they were sure they put away last night. Hospitals have reported 0 incidents of pinkie toe related injuries to circumcised adults. That’s a whopping 100% safety record! Uncircumcised people have significantly* more medical problems with their uncircumcised toes.

*Definitely more than zero! Didn’t really feel like looking up the actual figures.

The following may be hard to take for people with sensitive stomachs: Uncircumcised people may suffer from buildups of a totally disgusting substance called “toe jam.” If the area between the pinkie toe and that toe right next to the pinkie toe isn’t cleaned regularly, the toe jam buildup and resultant odor is enough to make one gag - particularly on long plane rides, or even in those art house theaters where the hippies get entirely too comfortable. Uncircumcised people have been known to scrub the “area” with a lone index finger - no definitive proof as to whether that finger is then sniffed.

Probably the best reason for continuing circumcision is simply that everybody’s doing it! How many times have we gone to the beach, only to recoil in revulsion at seeing uncircumcised feet? They are so gross! I wouldn’t want my son or daughter being a freak, or being looked at like a freak! Uncircumcised people rarely learn how to swim because of the shame of their FIVE-toed feet! Let’s make it so our children are welcomed into society with open arms. Don’t make your child a target of society’s completely rational preconceived notions of beauty!

Extremely lame and fallacious arguments AGAINST circumcision:

Pinkie toes are natural and aren’t meant to be cut! Yeah, right. Hair, fingernails, and umbilical cords are natural, too. Idiot.

The baby gets cut for society’s subjectively aesthetic reasons, but the baby has no say in the decision! Duh. It’s a baby! Babies can’t talk, moron. And what the fuck does “subjectively aesthetic” mean? Fucking hippies.

The baby feels great pain during the cut. What if the baby grows up and wants his/her missing toes? It’s a goddamn baby. It’s not going to remember the pain, obviously. Circumcised people don’t miss their missing toes BECAUSE THEY HAVE LIVED THEIR WHOLE LIVES WITHOUT THEM! [Opens mouth and drools in mocking way to show that anti-circumcision people are comparable to people in vegetative states.]

Why stop at cutting off the toes? Why not pierce their ears or cut off parts of their genitalia? Of course these hippies resort to using ridiculous, extreme examples that would never happen. I won't even dignify such trash with further response!